Many women experience their abortion in isolation and often after being used, manipulated and abandoned by a man. To see a man repentant and openly grieving his child can be healing for many women.
- There is a gradual but steady increase in the number of men attending Rachel's Vineyard retreats.
- Men struggle with many of the symptoms of complicated grief as women do.
- A major issue is their failure as men to fulfill a fundamental aspect of their vocation -- the protection and care of mother and child.
- Most relationships end at some point after the abortion. Abortion is very much a relational wound.
- When a man is in a relationship with a woman who had a previous abortion he may be confused by her growing depression or dissatisfaction in their marriage.
Helping Men Heal From Abortion
(With comments from Kevin Burke on a New Program of Rachel's Vineyard)Both women and men suffer when they decide to abort a child, says a social worker who deals in post-abortive counselling.
Kevin Burke, who directs Rachel's Vineyard Ministries with his wife, Theresa, tells how men grieve the loss of their child, and how their healing helps post-abortive women mend their wounds, too.
Rachel's Vineyard Ministries, is open to persons of all denominations and began to reach out to men as well as women when they invited a few men attend their weekend retreats with women.
The results were very encouraging. "The men entered deeply into the healing process, grieved as intensely for their children as the women in the group and received similar benefits from the experience," said Burke.
"Many women experience their abortion in isolation and often after being used, manipulated and abandoned by a man.
"To see a man repentant and openly grieving his child, acknowledging his failures and loss, and embracing the mercy and forgiveness of Christ -- this is an added blessing and healing element of the retreat all participants."
There is a gradual but steady increase in the number of men attending the Rachel's Vineyard retreats held around the world. Rachel's Vineyard now has a men's section on their Web site with e-mail support from men who experienced healing of their involvement with an abortion and want to reach out to other men.
Issues men face
Men struggle with many of the same symptoms of complicated grief as women."When death is introduced into that place of their deepest intimacy, its effects seep into and corrupt their trust, sexual intimacy and communication. Often the marital problems a couple face are not tied into secret and complicated grief from an abortion decision but are a factor in marital dysfunction and divorce."
Couples who attend a Rachel's Vineyard retreat together, find the healing and reconciliation necessary to save their marriage with an increase in communication and emotional and physical intimacy.
Sometimes, one person seeks healing first, and the good effects eventually lead the other spouse to participate in future healing opportunities.
"A man who is in a relationship with a woman who had an abortion before they met can be confused by his wife's growing depression or dissatisfaction in their marriage.
Men who were not involved with the previous abortion decision should accompany their wife on the Rachel's Vineyard weekend, or to counselling. Spousal support is a very important part of the healing process. It helps both the husband to understand the fullness of the anguish she has been going through, and the wife to realise her husband's love and acceptance of her. He knows the worst thing she has ever done...and loves her anyway.
Men are encouraged to 'spiritually adopt' their wife's child. Those unable to attend a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat weekend might ask a minister to conduct a special memorial service where the 'spiritual adoption' can be incorporated.
In order to help them better understand their wife's pain, men could read a book such as "Forbidden Grief" by Theresa Burke, or "Aborted Women, Silent No More" by David
Reardon .
Husbands, boyfriends, brothers, fathers, and grandfathers can understand and
help women to heal from an abortion. It is important not to minimize the pain
they have experienced.
Those who work in the area of post-abortion healing believe that men who encouraged their daughter or wife to abort, can feel threatened by her
grief and pain. They say it is important not to worsen her symptoms and
pain by blocking or sabotaging her attempts to find healing, and recommend that
men be patient,
loving, supportive and kind.
In a larger context, they feel that men should be encouraged to take responsibility and repent of the ways they
have failed women.
"Any time men are sexually intimate with a woman outside of the security and safety of the marital covenant," says Burke. "Any time they say to their fiancée or spouse, 'we might not be ready for this baby -- maybe we should think about abortion' or 'it's your decision, I'll support whatever you do', they place her and any child conceived at grave risk."
"As fathers of aborted children, like the courageous women who pioneered abortion healing, they must come forward and face their grief, their loss and embrace the mercy and healing that awaits a repentant and wounded heart."