Healing recovery

The important thing to remember is that you are not alone. Others have been through the same abortion experience and have received help and healing. Many of these women (and sometimes men) have helped developed the programmes that are used in helping someone recover from the psychological and emotional after-effects of abortion.

Some people are able to bury the effects of abortion so deep that they would claim it hadn't affected them badly, if at all. Dr Julius Fogel, both an abortionist and a practising psychiatrist would disagree. From his experience he says:

`There is no question about the emotional grief and mourning following an abortion. It shows up in various forms. I've had patients who had abortions a year or two ago--women who did the best thing at the time for themselves--but it still bothers them. Many come in--some are just mute, some hostile. Some burst out crying ... There is no question in my mind that we are disturbing a life process.'

Denial

Mourning the loss of an aborted child may be a lengthy process. Denial blocks the grieving process. During the denial process, the person may experience sadness, depression, self-hatred, anger, self-destructive tendencies and violence towards others. The woman uses denial to protect herself from having to deal with the abortion death.

Confronting denial - facing the truth - involves the following:

1. Recognising the emotional pain and grief felt since the abortion
2. Acknowledging that abortion is the death of a child - a family member
3. Accepting responsibility for the death of the child

The aborted women may have avoided addressing the pain and grief and the fears surrounding her pregnancy and abortion. In order to heal she must now face the emotions she has been denying. She must allow herself to feel the anguish and allow the tears to flow. Bargaining is a way of trying to short-circuit the grieving process and transfer personal responsibility to an external situation or person. She may become a work-a-holic or throw herself frantically into various other activities so that she has no time to stop and think about her grief.

One method many aborted women use to bargain, is to have an 'atonement' baby to replace the one she aborted. If she has other children another way may be to try to be a 'super-mum,' doing everything for them or giving them everything they want.

Some women become involved in crisis pregnancy counselling or 'pro-life' activities, before they have completed their own healing process. The result of this is that it only puts their own healing 'on hold,' and it will still have to be dealt with at a later date.

Depression
This anger should be written in the journal. If the woman is having difficulty acknowledging who exactly she is angry with, she should make a list of everyone she can think of. Sometimes it can help to express that anger in the form of a letter to the person concerned and just let the words and emotions flow freely. These letters are not to be sent to anyone, but are part of the cleansing process of getting the poison out of the system. Write "I am angry with you because..."

Since the journal is not meant to be read by a third party the woman should feel free to use whatever words that come pouring out. Grammar and spelling are not important.

Forgiveness

Just as the other person cannot bring back the dead baby, no amount of anger the woman feels can make up for the loss. Holding on to the anger hurts the angry person more than the one she or he is angry at. The best way to get rid of the anger is to choose to forgive the person who has caused the pain. Forgiveness is one of the best ways to achieve peace of mind.

The idea is to find affirmations that cover the areas in life that need working on, and let them work. It may take some time but eventually they will work.

The woman should write a list of all the things she likes about herself and read through them often. Additions can be made to the list as they occur and another useful source of information is to ask friends "What do you like about me?"

She should stay in a positive enviornment as much as possible and avoid people who upset her or damage her self esteem.

Write "thank-you" in the journal for the nice things in life each day.

The journal can be used as a ongoing exercise when emotions come flooding back, such as the date of the abortion or what would have been the date of birth.

Healing facilitators

While some women are able to work through the gieving process on their own, or with minimal help, others may need the assistance of a healing facilitator. This is a person who has been through a training process specifically designed to help someone walk through the stages of healing. Many of these women do not have professional qualifications, but most have experienced loss sometimes through abortion.

Sometimes, when a woman has worked through the issues involving her abortion, there may be other emotional or psychological issues that need to be dealt with.

Sometimes, when a woman has worked through the issues involving her abortion, there may be other emotional or psychological issues that need to be dealt with. Unless the facilitator is also a qualified professional she will recommend that you seek professional help.

Many women who have gone through the healing process after an abortion, are shocked to discover that there are memories of sexual abuse from their past that have resurfaced with the repressed memories of the abortion. These need to be dealt with at a professional level as do:

• uncontrolled anger
• self-destructive behaviour
• eating disorders
• drug and alcohol abuse
• sexual dysfunction
• panic attacks and agoraphobia

A lengthy process

The time it takes to healing and recovery is different for every woman. An intense group programme held over a weekend with a qualified facilitator may work for some women, while for others it will take longer.

Working one-on-one with a facilitator may take about 3 months of weekly sessions.

Working one-on-one with a facilitator may take about 3 months of weekly sessions.

Sometimes the woman feels the emotions breaking through are too intense for her to cope with and she takes a break. This is an avoiding tactic and if healing is truly desired she must realise this and push herself to go forward.

Many women have said that working with a facilitator helps them because they have finally found someone who has heard their whole story, and does not hate them or think they are an evil person. They find this acceptance reassuring.

More on post-abortion healing can be found here. For information on physical recovery go here.

Sources: Victims of Choice Guidebook for PAS Recovery and Helping Women Recover from Abortion by Nancy Michaels